Illuminations

OMAHA, Neb. – Amicable billionaire Warren Buffett has shed some light on the US economic downturn that proved surprising even to a frazzled public that has come to expect just about anything on the topic, as long as it’s bad. Appearing live on CNBC Monday morning, Buffett said of the economy, “It’s fallen off a cliff.”

Pressed for background details, the leader of Berkshire Hathaway Inc explained that some fifteen months ago the US economy accompanied then Vice President Dick Cheney on a hunting and fishing trip in Wyoming. After a brisk morning of birding, the pair enjoyed a light lunch at a friend’s lodge. Contacted after the Buffett bombshell, a spokesperson for that establishment insisted neither the economy nor Cheney had any more than “two or three beers each” during the lunch.

Heading off to scope-out an alleged herd of elk in the nearby, craggy cliffs, the economy apparently lost its footing, careening down a sheer precipice and landing in its present, critical condition.

Rumors first began to circulate when the VP returned from the trip some days after the incident without the economy he had been seen leaving with. Speculation was soon suppressed, however, when then United States President and long time Cheney employee George Bush announced that “The fundamentals of our economy are strong.”

Reached for its own comment, the battered US economy insisted the mishap was both an accident and the economy’s own fault, absolving Cheney of any suspicion and going so far as to apologize to the former VP “for any embarrassment this unfortunate event may have caused him.”

Mr. Buffett’s company, Berkshire, owns a diverse mix of more than 60 companies, including insurance, furniture, carpet and jewelry makers, restaurants and utilities. It also holds major investments in such enterprises as Wells Fargo & Co. and Coca-Cola. The billionaire offered no explanation of how he came into this eye-widening information, which has done more to elucidate the current economic situation than all previous revelations combined.