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KINGSTON— The Jamaican National Swim Team, responding to growing insinuations that record breaking gold medal winner Michael Phelps “may or may not” be allowed to compete for the US in the 2012 Olympics in London, have offered Phelps a slot in their lineup.
“No problem, mon,” said Jamaican head coach Dexter Wynter, “Dis sorta’ ting ain’t gonna’ take Michael off one, single box of Wheaties down here, let me assure you.”
Recent revelations that the American super human engaged in cannabis smoking while attending a college party several months ago have rocked both the sporting and advertising worlds, resulting in Mr. Phelps’ forfeiting of multiple-million dollars in endorsement contracts and leaving the United States Olympic Committee red faced with embarrassment.
“Wot de heck is wrong wid you people,” grinned Mr. Wynter, “dis mon produces more gold for your country dan the de Yukon Rush and you push him down like dat? No how dis makes sense. But so be it. We see you in London, mon. Be free.”
Pressed for details of the national team’s offer and the likelihood of Mr. Phelps obtaining fast-tracked Jamaican citizenship [as anything being accomplished in Jamaica in less than three years is considered 'fast track.' --ed.], coach Wynter just smiled a huge, infectious smile, tossed his ample dreds and walked calmly away towards the beach.
Humming.
Phelps could not be reached for comment.
Reporting by Illuminaught with inspiration from the Don't-You-Wish Foundation.
you know my feelings on this subject...
I am upset that he apologized.
I think that our current laws are out dated bits of bureaucracy that violated our constitutional rights upon their making. Those who enacted such laws have been filling the peoples' head with propaganda for so long that to change policy would decimate their public image.
Think of all those poor shmucks who had a little grass in their pocket, no prior offenses, now sitting in a jail cell next to the crackhead who mugs people. Its sick.
It began as a racist push by lawmakers in the southwest, as a way to drive out and lock up the mexican immigrants, and as a way to keep the negroes in the south in line.
If only the government would realize the potential in the cannibis plant, medicinally, in fibers and papers, clothes and skin care. Oh, an its flowers have the ability to ease the suffering from terminal illness, and stimulate appetite.
Among other things.
Oh, to not be sorry or ashamed! To not have to apologize, or fear persecution. To boldly toke, where no one has toked before.
Micheal Phelps, you have a lot of money. Did you really need to be on a wheaties box that badly? You couldn't guess that they were going to pull your mug regardless?
Thanks for punking out man, at least you can afford a good lawyer.
Apology, sorry?
Role models, at least before they get into the NFL or NBA, simply can't get away with that stuff.
And he "has a lot of money?" Not anymore he doesn't. In fact I'll bet that bong fired-up the most expensive toke in world history, poor dumb fuck (him, not you).