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ATLANTA— A near penniless intern at CNN headquarters here has revealed that Wolf Blitzer ate his lunch.
“I had just gone into the employee break room, where the refrigerator is, and was talking to some other people and counting my change to see if I could get a Coke from the machine, and Mr. Blitzer walked in,” said Mr. Thomas H. Fanning, 24, of 2626 Franklin Road, who agreed to speak only on condition of anonymity.
“We all got quiet because he never, like ever comes in there. He walks right up to the ‘fridge and opens the door. He pushes some stuff around and comes out with my sandwich. And I know it’s mine because it was the only one wrapped in tinfoil. I’m out of Saran Wrap and don’t get paid for another, like, two weeks.”
Fanning goes on to detail how Wolf Blitzer then ate his, that is to say Fanning’s sandwich. “It wasn’t even cut in half or anything because all my knives, even the plastic ones, were dirty. It was a baloney and cheese, only there was no cheese because I ate the slice of cheese on my way to work. And it didn’t have mustard or mayo, either; I only had ketchup at the house. So it was a baloney and ketchup sandwich, which even I think is disgusting.”
Blitzer, however, seemed to enjoy the young man’s culinary creation. “He looks at it, over his glasses like he’s reading fine print or something, then takes this huge bite out of it. Then he nods his head, looking around the room at all of us, making mmmm-mmmm noises and shit. Like it’s the best thing he ever put in his mouth. He acted like it was perfectly natural, like it was his sandwich.”
Asked why he said nothing to Blitzer before forfeiting his lunch, the young man confesses to more than a little fear. “He made eye contact with everyone in that room while he was chewing and mmmm-mmmmming, like he was daring any of us to say something,” said Thomas. “This job sucks, and maybe I have to watch more news than a lot of people, but even my Aunt Milly’s wart knows this is no time to be looking for a job.”
Others present in the break room at the time of the incident were unavailable for comment, with the exception of one attractive young lady who said the whole experience was a revelation. “We always assumed it was Ms. Giant Fatass who was stealing stuff from the employee refrigerator,” she said, “now I feel guilty for thinking that.”
Reached for a reaction, Blitzer’s publicist insisted on his client’s innocence. “Wolf, and many viewers don’t realize this, is Jewish. And while not strictly Kosher, he would never eat a baloney sandwich unless he was confident that it was all beef, preferably Hebrew National or, in a pinch, Boar’s Head brand”. Told of the witnesses, the publicist would only say, “Did you hear what I said? Hebrew National All Beef Bologna. There’s no way some punk-ass gopher in the tape filing department is going to be affording that premium level of cold cut anytime soon.”
Reporting by Illuminaught with additional reporting by Ted and Mary Anne Slocum, CNN’s brother/sister cleaning team/rumor vectors. This article cannot be authenticated nor has it been fact checked. All rights reserved © 2009 The Illuminaughty Media Cartel.
That was great...
Hank is like, "what the hell are you reading" Im laughing so hard.
I have no idea where that came from and it makes no sense but bravo - it cracked me up.
- M of Ingleside
As Stephen Colbert might say, it fills my heart with unicorns and rainbows.
Ugh.
Such a thought...
Slap me.